Relationships

I mean relationships in the broadest sense – friendships, romantic, family. They are some of the best things about life… and also the most hard work. My eating disorder, and other mental health problems throughout my life, have brought me closer to some people but pushed a lot away. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I’ve also learned some golden nuggets on how to make this easier on everyone. So, I’m sharing some things I’ve learned that helped me. I hope something can be useful to you. (Again, I am NOT a professional, just sharing my lived experiences). We’re all human, we all make mistakes, but the great thing is that we can always learn from them. I used to be scared of mistakes, now I don’t mind them. They’re not fun (mostly), but they do offer opportunity for growth.

1. If you can talk about it, talk about it

I spent so many years of my life being praised for being a kid that didn’t moan and just got on with it… and it took me until I was in my 20s to learn that sometimes you shouldn’t “just get on with it”. Sometimes it really does just help to talk. This doesn’t mean you have to stick it on Instagram or write a blog… but if there’s someone that knows it really can help. How little or much you want to share is entirely your business. Sometimes it can be so useful to have someone in the room that might understand if something triggers you, or simply just knows you’re having a rough time. If you’re tired, or down, or can’t quite manage something today, there’s someone there that can say “give __ a break today, yeh?” so you don’t have to.

I wouldn’t say I have a lot of regrets in life, but I think I’ll probably always regret not being more open about my eating disorder before going on holiday with some of my favourite people in the world. It was two AMAZING weeks but I was in recovery at the time and struggling physically and mentally with issues I had to deal with alone. It was difficult enough that I nearly didn’t go, despite having saved up for years, already having spent thousands of pounds, and it being the last ever time my Uni mates would all be free at the same time. I’m so glad I went, but I wish I’d told them more beforehand.

2. If you can’t talk about it, be as honest as possible

Sometimes problems can be too big for you to talk about right now, that’s totally normal. It feels weird at first, but you can tell someone something is up without going into details. “Hey, just to let you know, I’m going to do my best today but I’m really struggling with a few bits. I don’t want to talk about it right now, but I just want you to know that it’s not that I don’t care”. At first I felt so strange doing this, but I got better. It allowed me to give myself a break when I really needed it without having to delve into the gory details. Most of the time, people aren’t nosey about it either, they just want to make sure you’re alright. For example, it helped to have my swimming coach know bits about what was going on, enough to know when to tell me to pull my finger out, and also when to back off and leave me to it.

3. Give feedback

If you’ve opened up to someone and they’ve helped, let them know! It helps them to feel like they’re making a difference. Likewise, if they’ve said something that’s made them feel worse, tell them. You don’t have to be a dick about it, just “hey, when you said ___ it made me feel a bit ___. I know you were only trying to help, but I think next time it would actually help more if you said ___. instead.” Again, at first this felt SO weird for me. But it made such a positive difference for me and my boyfriend living together whilst I had an eating disorder. It helped him to help me more (win), and it helped him to know that he was helping, which in turn made him feel better about it all (win-win)! People might be surprised at first when you’re so honest, but if you want a friend/ colleague/person to be helpful, sometimes you have to tell them how they can help.

4. Be open to feedback

If you’re gonna give it, you have to be able to take it. That can mean listening when it is the last thing on the planet you feel like doing. Some days there’s times when some reactions or actions you really can’t control. On reflection though, a lot of things you can control. All of us have things we do or don’t like in conversations. If you want to be a good friend, and allow friends to help you, some effort is required on your side too! My boyfriend no longer skims his phone whilst I talk if I let him know I have something that’s difficult for me to say. I’ve learned that what I thought was helpful – me walking off to cool down if I got frustrated during a conversation – might have helped me, but it was infuriating for him. Now, if I need a minute, I let him know so it doesn’t just look like I’m ignoring him.

5. Be realistic with your expectations

Having a friend that’s “always there for you” doesn’t mean they’re on the end of the phone 24/7. That’s an unrealistic expectation that is only going to upset or anger both of you. For a friend to be there for you they need to take care of themselves and live their own life too. I once rejected a call from a friend ‘cause I was having a rough day and needed some space. It turns out he was in the middle of a Costco during an armed robbery. He called me after staring down the barrel of a gun whilst hiding and waiting for the police. I felt AWFUL when I realised I wasn’t there for him. At the time, I thought “ohmygosh I always need to pick up the second I get a call from anyone” but really, other people picked up, he was okay, he didn’t need me that day. If I’d have known what had happened then of course I’d have picked up, but, despite the guilt, I know I was not in the position myself to be able to look after anyone that day. I’m grateful that our other friends were there for him. Also, if you can, don’t put all of your faith in just one person because they can’t always be there. (No one was hurt in the robbery, I should add).

6. Educate

Educate yourself about what’s going on with you/the other person, try to look up (reliable) information about a condition. Talk about it. Do you/they know of any TV shows, books, articles that they think sums it up well? Together it can also be easier to talk through and work out what suggested ‘helpful’ advice is actually helpful, and where potential triggers might lie. Sure, you’ll come across some crap, but you’ll also come across some things that helps. Knowledge is power.

7.  Eat, sleep, exercise, vitamin D, get outside

In the history of evolution of humanity, we are still not used to 21^st century levels of sleep, eating habits and spending so much time inside. Your body needs it, even I you don’t want it. If you want to know more, read a more reliable source than me.

8. Get help if you need it.

This applies whether you’re the one that needs help, or you’re struggling to support someone else. Your friend is (probably) not a therapist, counsellor or professionally trained and even if they are, they have their job as well as you to deal with. Get help. Waiting lists can be painfully long, but there are other things you can do to help in the meantime. Talk to your doctor, find out what’s going on in your local area. See point 7. Educate.

9. Get out of there if it’s toxic.

Some relationships are toxic. I don’t mean “he annoys me sometimes” I mean “this person is counterproductive to me trying to keep my own health on track”. Sometimes people’s problems become way more than you can handle. This is different to being sad because your friend is sad, this (toxic) is that having someone else in your life is harming your own health beyond what is reasonable and to the point where you can’t live life as normal. Sometimes feedback and communication become impossible and being around a person brings you down. They’re not worth it, even if sometimes they’re a laugh. You can’t help someone if they won’t help themselves. You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. You can only look after others if you’re looking after yourself too.

10. Be kind

That doesn’t mean be nice to everyone always. It means be kind to yourself as well as others. It means to stand up for yourself, to stand up for others too. It means to accept that none of us are at 100% all of the time. It means that, we all forget it sometimes, but the truth is that you never really know what’s going on in someone’s personal life. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt can do a world of good but making snap judgments and acting on them can do more damage than you know. Say “good morning” back, ask people “how are you” and mean it.

11. Listen

Listening doesn’t mean listening to what someone have to say about what you’ve said. Listening means listening to how someone feels, to what makes them feel like that, to hearing them out even if it hurts your feelings. Listening means me sitting quietly whilst my friend tells me about her dickhead boyfriend’s latest antics without me jumping in with “he’s a dickhead, please break up with him”. Listening means my boyfriend sitting and attempting to understand why I found it so so hard to eat food even when I was so so hungry. Listening is hard, but listening can make a world of difference.